August 21, 2011

Big birthday today, heading out for a solo hike in the mountains to celebrate. Sending positive thoughts to those missing him today.

Snow Angels

Holiday time with family as a child held such a mysticism, its hard to believe how much things can change.  Now the only mystery of the evening is beer or wine :)  Its snowing here in Chicago on Christmas eve, there is a fire in the fireplace, cookies fresh from the oven, and Santa is on his way- but something is missing. A few more loved ones? Whether they are with us or not (in any sense of the matter) a noticeable hole I haven't quite figured out how to fill. I guess the lesson here would be for graditude, again, for the 6'8'' snow angel making it snow.

   Living as if. As if I had everything I ever wanted, now. As if I had everyone I ever wanted in my life, here. As if I had so much wealth I could spread it among others who need it more. As if I had not a worry in the world. 
   I've started trying to live as if. The people I've met, places I've been, and opportunities I've had along the way- incredible. The best part is, it's only been a handful of months since I started this experiment. The more grateful I become for what is surrounding me, the more great things that come my way. Watch what happens.
   I'm not trying to preach that this is the answer to grief, but it makes things just a touch easier, for me at least. It makes me more aware of the wealth of love that does and has existed in my life, and it's pretty hard to beat that. 

Brunch and Fried Donut-Animal Sandwiches

A few of us got together last Sunday to share some big Taige-like bear hugs, and a little brunch. It was great to see lots of people who loved Taige together, it was a nice comfort if nothing else. Well, until someone busted out the donuts that is. Then all I remember is thinking about stomach aches.... hopefully the photo below explains :)

One Year Later...

Riding the waves of life, you sometimes find yourself at the crest, with a clear view of everything around you, and the sun shinning on your smiling face. Other times, you wake up in the trough, far from the warming rays of the sun and without a hope of ever getting out. If life's lessons in the past year have accumulated to anything, it is the analogy of this wave. My dad says, "Feelings are only temporary." While its hard to believe when you are at the bottom of the trough, it does seem to be true. Even if only for a minuscule moment, it happens, and those in the dark are brought again into the light.  

A few other things I have learned this year... everyone grieves differently. There is no right way to go about doing it, for some people it is a social experience, for others a quiet and more personal process. For however different they are, a solid foundation in gratuity remains clear and consistent, as every person who ever crossed His path would agree, that smile and laugh were the best, and I am ever thankful to have lavished in their presence. 

On that note, here is a little piece of that smile-  Much love.

What do you do, when there is no one else who would understand but you?

When I close my eyes, you are sitting in front of me; pink button down, gray slacks, one knee bouncing uncontrollably.  You are shaking your head and saying, "I don't know Carl..." in a tone that says, "I can't believe this crap either!"  I put my hand on your knee and you calm, for a second at least, and then we start it all over.  Never anything a trip to the cooler and a spoonful of ice cream couldn't fix.  

Going to need a lot of ice cream...

5 months. And though the posts might not come as often, or the tears don't flow as much, we continue to have you in our thoughts and in our hearts. I think of you and miss you daily. It's spring out there. The world is waking up. Flowers and trees are coming to life. I see the beauty around me and you are there.

I bought tickets to see MGMT and Passion Pit this spring and summer. I'll live it up a little extra hard for you.

In this world of uncertainties, one thing's for sure. You continue to live on within everyone you've touched, and that brings us together and it helps us when we wish we could hear your laughter or see your smile.

Til next time...

From Carly Otte

Taige, Really missing you right now. Just wish I could walk down to Centro or give you a call, you just always knew the right thing to say and damn, one of those hugs would mean the world right now. Today, we lost yet another great one from our skiing community. CR was such a great person and I have known him through my brother for years. He truly had a passion for skiing and it meant the world to him. After his accident in 05', he really understood how lucky he was to be here; appreciating everything he had. I have come to known many in the skiing profession, but CR was grateful everyday for his skiing ability. I had the chance recently to hang out with him and my four brothers and he was just so amped to be with us all, laughing and telling stories. It was funny too that some things he brought up in Aspen reminded me of you and I was quickly upset. However, I was comforted by his kind energy and was surprised by his kind words. He has brought so much great energy and memories to my brother Colin and this will be a hard change for all of us. It really stirred up feelings from losing you and I just am sitting here wondering why we have to lose those that are so positive for the rest of us. It just doesn't seem fair, yet I can only accept it and allow it to happen. Keep your eyes open for his arrival as I am sure you would learn alot from each other. More importantly, you will be ripping it up there together. Enjoy the snow, make sure you give him a big hug from all of us, miss you always...xxoo

 

The Ultimate Hedonist

I need a kick in the pants, Taige. I need you to call me out on not living my life to the fullest right now; on not making the most out of every day, on not having enough fun. On being something I dread: boring.

You were the ultimate hedonist (I love the etymology—from the Greek delight, pleasure). And I say that only with love. You lived every day with the intention of having fun, getting the most out of life, and surrounding yourself with people who you loved and who loved you. Michel Onfray describes hedonism as “…an introspective attitude to life based on taking pleasure yourself and pleasuring others, without harming yourself or anyone else.” I can’t think of anything that better describes you. I learned to apply that concept to my own life when I met you. You helped me live with intention and to take risks and to be a little crazy. You got so much out of your life and inspired those around you to do the same.

I find myself in a rut right now, in the cold grayness of Michigan…I feel like I am not living my life to the fullest, I feel like I have somewhat isolated myself. It’s frustrating and I can’t seem to do anything about it despite being aware of it. I miss you. Whenever I see a picture of you my heart skips a beat. Whenever I see your name spelled out, or when I hear it spoken, my stomach knots up. What I’d give to be able to talk to you, see you, feel you next to me again…

I know I’ll get better, and I know it takes time. But I’ll never forget the times we shared or what I learned from knowing you. And for now, I hold onto everything you brought to my life and give thanks. Missing you always.

There are some things that only you would understand. I know I can still talk to you, but its really hard to hear your response.

Home Again

As soon as I landed at DIA the other night, a whole new wave of grief washed over me. Front and center again. Everywhere I go reminds me of you; there is always a connection. I am trying to shift from sometimes feeling anxious/sad/overwhelmed when I think of you to rather holding onto the good. A friend shared with me today a passage from a poem written by Mary Oliver, and I thought you would just love it:

maybe death isn't darkness, after all,
but so much light wrapping itself around us —

as soft as feathers —
that we are instantly weary of looking, and looking,
and shut our eyes, not without amazement,
and let ourselves be carried,
as through the translucence of mica,
to the river that is without the least dapple or shadow,
that is nothing but light — scalding, aortal light —
in which we are washed and washed
out of our bones.

So I'm trying to shift from the darkness and instead hold onto the light you created in this world, the light that shines within all of us who love you. I know it will take time, but I know it will happen.

Beth and I took another snow hike today. At one point we sat down on the snow in a clearing of trees and talked about you. Suddenly Beth said, "By now, if Taige were here, he'd have made a bunch of snowballs and thrown them at us! SOS!" Later on we walked by a lone pine tree whose needles were just perfectly covered in snow; it had collected on them at an angle due to the direction of the wind. It was so beautiful! We felt your presence there today. We saw your light.

So keep it coming, Taige. Lots of love.

I think you are making your rounds!

In reading this blog, comments on your facebook, and talking to friends, I'm learning that you have showed up in a lot dreams lately! I remember my mom saying that she talked to her dad a lot in her dreams after he passed. I never really understood what she was talking about until now. You have showed up in my dreams a lot lately. The dreams have mainly consisted of you and I just sitting there talking. Last night was so real, I was even thinking..."wow...this seems like a dream...but I know it's not!" We were just sitting there talking about everything that has happened. I was sad, but trying not to cry in front of you. It seemed you were doing the same thing. At one point in the conversation, you folded back your shirt sleeve and showed me this great tan line. When we lifeguarded together we were always trying to get the best tans! You then said that you couldn't believe you had gone off to heaven with such a great tan! We laughed and I told you that you looked more beautiful then ever. I was so excited, because you broke the ice with your humor, and I could ask you about heaven. All I remember is this HUGE grin on your face. The dream ended there. I know you're happy, and I also know you are making your rounds to all your friends and family letting them know that.
Immediately, after I found out about your death, I was in visiting my pastor at our church. I was telling her all about you, and the great loss I was feeling. She said something that I'll never forget. She explained to me that when someone passes on, we do not stop having a relationship with them. The relationship continues on, it just changes. I get that now! Whether your memory comes in the middle of the night in the form of a dream, or some how, some way your spirit can speak to us when our subconscious lets it...I don't know. But I do know all of your friends and family continue to have a relationship with you. Some how, some way. And for that...I'm thankful.

Always a good host, always.

I just remembered when you had your miniscus surgery and as you were coming out from under the anesthesia, you were completely out of it and told all the nurses in the room that you were having a party at your house and excitedly gave them all your address. I remember the way you leaned over and your open-mouthed laugh when you recounted this story to us later that week.

I love and miss you.

La Telaraña

Siempre estás en mis pensamientos, sabes.
Son las cuatro de la mañana y de nuevo no puedo dormir.
Todavía no lo entiendo, no lo puedo entender, no lo puedo internalizar.
Como las olas entregándose a la playa, el dolor de tu ausencia vuelve y me deja inconsolable.

En vida, tejías una telaraña fuerte e intrincada de tus amigos
Personas únicas; cada una ofrecía algo distinto.
Personas que nunca se conocieran si no te hubieran conocido.
Y como una araña tejiendo, las noticias de tu muerte extendieron lejos
Las personas en mi propia telaraña—en todas partes del mundo, algunos que nunca te conocieron—me ofrecieron sus pensamientos y sus corazones.

Pero a veces me siento como una polilla, sofocada en esta telaraña.
No hay nada que decir.
No sé cómo sentir.
Pero, como tú hacías en tu vida, voy a tratar a ver lo bueno en todo.
Y la próxima vez que veo una telaraña, perfecta, delicada, magnífica, con unas gotitas de rocío
Pensaré de ti, y una sonrisa vendrá a mi cara.

dream

Last night I dreamed that I found you in a small, white room. You were leaning back in a cozy chair, that devilish grin all over your face. I remember saying, "Thank God, Taige, I had the most horrible dream..." and you just sat there with a knowing look. You emanated the most sincere, comforting feeling.

Salmon Toss

Remember the last Labor Day party at the Res when Taige tried to do the fish toss?! He was trying to wind up a 3 foot long Salmon and lost his grip. Mr. Fish went flying and he was embarrased and thought it was halarious at the same time so he kind of collapsed in laughter before someone handed him the spare fish. We all laughed too, until the original Mr. Fish hit a six year old by-stander and knocked him over!!  Haaa!!  Sorry kid!

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for you, Taige. Thank you for challenging me to be more honest with myself and others. Thank you for daring me to do crazy things. Thank you for being my companion. For the hiking and camping trips, dinners, burnt pizzas, movies, music, long conversations, ski days, and great hugs. For bringing some amazing people into my life.
Thank you for being my Anam Cara.
Missing you, thinking of you, always.
With love and gratitude,

Shai

November 25

Yesterday I didn’t cry at all. Not that I felt good, just numb and disconnected. I thought I might be able to make it through today too (not that it really matters), but I didn’t. I’ve come to realize the power of an embrace. You can really tell if someone is sincere and expressing their love.  I have as of yet been unable to keep a lid on any stewing emotions when faced with such an embrace. It is such a comforting experience that it knocks my guard down in an instant, as it were nothing more than a piece of paper blown over by the wind.  And then, I cry. Every time. And I know its ok to cry. Maybe its like I told you about skiing, that every time you fall you get a little better, or, every tear I’m crying brings me closer to some sort of understanding or acceptance. Here’s hoping.

November 21

How am I ever going to function like a normal person? Everything reminds me of you- people we both know, the sound of someone’s voice, drinks, fabrics, music, walking anywhere in this town that has started to feel suffocating. In every instance I forget its not you, and you wont ever be there again. I’m at work and I think I hear your voice, people mentioning your name. It’s so hard to understand, to really take a hold of the fact that you are gone; sometimes I think it might be easier not to try to see eye to eye with reality. Maybe I could just float around for a few years like a zombie, watching my life as a movie. I would feel less, it would become easier to do normal things.

A tall person enters the room, my heart beats faster, reality comes back and the bad feeling along with it. Someone is wearing a tan, plaid button down shirt but of course its not you. I walk down the alley, past your restaurant, my head turns out of habit to see if your car is there. I stopped at the back door and thought about going in to see who was still there, but I couldn’t do it and kept walking. Into the back entrance of the Downer I went, barely holding on to my composure as I walked in. Everyone was there, and they all can read my face. Asking how I’m doing only makes the light grip on composure lost. I’m standing next to the bar and turn to take in the room; I realize I am sitting in the same spot that the dancing video was taken. Fully unable to understand how you went dancing across the floor two weeks ago and now…   The social environment no longer lends the lighthearted release it did in the past. It only offers a deep emptiness and disconnect. As everyone copes in a different way it separates us, or me at least, tonight. Now its 3:06 am and I’m sitting here in the dark listening to your music and writing. The waves are short and strong, and remind me a little of what I imagine child birth to be like. Coming in waves, sharp and intense, a bit of calm, then sharp again; only this time at the end you realize you are left minus one instead of plus one. 

From Jordan Hasquet

To my Cuz,

It has been tough being overseas and not being able to show my love back home for Taige and be there for Aunty Lin, Kelly, and Parker.  I want you guys all to know that I am praying for you and love you lots.  My mom just told me about this website and I got on as soon as I could.
Taige I just wanted to thank you for being such a good friend to my brother and I when we were younger.  I know we didn't keep in touch as much as the years went on but I will never forget the boy I grew up with.  We had some great days riding bikes, sledding, swimming at grandpa and grandma's, camping out in your back yard, getting slushies at Mini-mart, and just plain causing trouble.  These are all memories that will never fade from my mind.  Needless to say you also turned out to be quite the amazing guy.  Just look at all these people you had a great impact on.

You will be missed greatly,

Your Cuz,

Jordan

From Erin Kerns

I have been trying to figure out what to say about Taige.  He was larger than life, and how do you express that?  I knew from the moment I met him that he was special!  He was the kind of guy that could turn you inside out.  He was a huge influence in my life, and I am so thankful that I got the chance to know him, and everyone that he brought into my life.  I love you Taige!

From Devlin Devore

6’8”  Not just the size of a man, but the size of his stature.  The Golden Retriever of Men.  Loved by all.  With an uncanny ability to make people see people for who they are, not who they like.  Taige broke down social barriers.  He brought truth and comfortability to each and everyone he met.  He helped guide us when we were lost.  He was a gentle giant.  He made us laugh at ourselves and sometimes him. When he danced, he would consume you.  When he laughed, you heard it from a block away.  When he smiled……when did he not smile.  He made us better people.  The loss is huge, just like the size of the man and the size of his stature.

So Much Love

Taige,

I remember meeting you for the first time at the Bitter bar. You were standing at the bar with James Lee and a group of your friends, booming and laughing together. You were obstructing the aisle, and I kept squeezing past you more frequently than was necessary (“Oh, don’t mind me, I’ll just slide past you here.”). At some point, you smiled warmly, if not suspiciously, and stopped me to introduce yourself (you must have found my shameless lack of finesse and feigned innocence endearing). I don’t remember much of the content of that first conversation, but I remember being impressed and seduced by how big you seemed in body and personality. I was so comfortable with you right off the bat, and after our first hug that night I couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to be in your expansive embrace (now too, and more than ever). I was smitten...

I was immediately attracted to your bouncy enthusiasm and bright lopsided perfect smile. I admired your ability to lead with grace and set the mood of the room with your effortless warmth that you shared with everyone you encountered. You would introduce me two and three times to all of your friends (“do you know my friend Mel, she is incredible!” “Taige, I work with Mel, and yes she’s incredible.”) because it was so important to you that the people you loved all loved each other too. I came to respect your strength, your honesty, and the constancy of your moral compass. And I especially relished the times that you shared your sadness and distress with me, because (and I loved this about you) you were so filled with an indelible optimism that only very infrequently would allow for an authentic expression of sadness. I miss your affection. I want to lavish hugs and kisses on you. I am honored and grateful that you were so vulnerable with me. I wish circumstances had been different, and that I had been better for you.

Taige, I have never met someone so generous with his love and warmth as you. I will do all I can to learn from your tremendous example.

Thank you. I love you. And I will miss you for the rest of my days.

Chris

Hi Richard.

I was out a few nights ago. Just sitting at the bar, not really drinking my cider. (Which you would have called me a glutard for) And Phoenix came on. Listzomania came on. I burst into tears.

I just want to dance with you again, and dodge your arms and shoulders swinging around. (I laugh as I write that)

I walked into the office at Centro on Sunday night. Ash had told me to grab something from her purse. I walked in completely expecting to see you turn around in your chair with that guilty look on your face. I would have then said "What are you listening to and who are you stalking on facebook?" Last time it was La Roux (you then started calling Molly that) Megan and I told you about la Roux forever ago it seems, and you were just then getting into it. "I'm not your toy, this is not another girl meets boy" You turned it up really loud and laughed at the video on youtube. "Look at her dress! It's amazing!" I started singing with it and so did you, but every time you would start singing something I was singing I would get thrown off because you'd sing so loud and so off!

There are so many things to say. I miss so many things about you.

But mostly I just miss your presence. You had a way of filling up a place in my life and there is no way to fill it ever again.

I know you wouldn't want to see us sad and crying. But, understand that we can't help but mourn the loss of such an amazingly beautiful person.

I can't stop crying now, so I don't know what else to say.

Taige...

I love you so much, we all love you so very very much. And you'll always be a part of our lives.

The love you found in me.

There's a black crow sitting across from me;
his wiry legs are crossed
And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?

I'm not good with numbers but there is somehow a six feet, eight inch hole in my heart and chest cavity and it's shaped like Taige Smith.

He came into my life when he asked Erin to unlock the front door to Centro before a dinner shift to let me into the building. I was standing on the sidewalk outside, completely fed up with my day job and armed with my restaurant resume. We sat across from one another at table #83 for twenty minutes. He pretended to look over my references but what we really talked about was music, Napoleon Dynamite, our favorite places to eat in Boulder, and how we both attended the University of Hawaii during the same years. At the end of this "interview," he gave me the fiercest hand shake and told me he just needed to make a couple of phone calls. An hour later he called to offer me a serving job.

Taige was my manager at first but quickly became one of my closest friends. When you talked to him, you were fully heard. He wouldn't break eye contact for a second, making you feel like the only person in the entire world. After the sad and bitter end of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, he pulled me out of my own personal darkness over and over with his infamous hugs, with coin style margaritas, with laughter and prodding and tough love. When I sprained and fractured my foot, he immediately called around to cover all of my shifts and called and texted me regular reminders to keep it elevated and iced. He's responsible for the words "Clare Bear" on all of my receipts for customers, though he only called me "Bear" or "the slow one." We'd make one another laugh until our cheeks hurt. He had the best, throw-your-head-back laugh. We e-mailed one another .mp3's and links to download different albums because we loved the same music. He introduced me to some of my favorite bands.

On my 26th birthday he demanded that I join him on the West End rooftop with Travis, Paige, and Cristiano for tall PBRs and shots. We laughed at Kittens Inspired by Kittens on Youtube (on his iPhone) until we had tears in our eyes. Besides dinner with the family, I hadn't had any solid plans for that evening. Because of Taige, it turned out to be one of my best birthdays ever.

During the summer we went to the lake by Wesley's house. We drank cheap champagne out of cups and put our feet in the water. We sat on the dock with our friends and sang the theme song from Dawson's Creek. We rented busses to fill with friends and danced at shows. We shared little bowls of enchilada sauce and rice with chips when we were too tired to order anything else at the end of an evening.

Taige taught me what it meant to really love food, how to pair it with wine, how to talk to people in a way that made them feel welcomed and at home-- both at work and outside of Centro. He taught me what it meant to be passionate about my surroundings. Over the past few months he had been assessing and filtering out the boys that were unworthy of my affection, calling them "dirty birds."

This past summer, he interviewed a potential candidate for the part time manager position. They sat on the patio with coffee. Travis and I were setting up for the brunch shift and observing Taige's closed off body language-- legs crossed, leaning back, one hand over his mouth. It was a rare pose for him. Even though we could only hear snippets of the conversation, we could easily tell that the guy wouldn't be considered. When the man left that morning, Taige told us how important it was to him to find someone who truly grasped what we are all about-- great people, amazing food, excellent service, a strong and unconditional sense of family. I've worked in a dozen restaurants in my young life and put myself through college waiting tables. That said, never have I ever worked for a person whom I believed in so completely and entirely.

What will stay with me for the rest of my life is this: if you and one other person have Taige in common, you don't need anything else in order to be family. He was and will be the glue for so many people that would have never given one another the time of day under ordinary circumstances. I will strive to be that kind of person, to be that open to the world, to tie other beautiful lives together. My dream is to be half as courageous with my heart as he was. Knowing him will continue to be one of my biggest honors.

I love you, Taige. Then, now, forever. Rest in peace.

One Favorite Place...

A few of us gathered today at one of your many favorite spots. I don't think anyone really knew what to expect when we walked up to the beach, but it felt like a huge weight was enveloping me. Not the kind of weight I have been feeling in the morning that makes my stomach turn, just the kind I remember feeling when you wrapped your arms around me. I sat on the big flat rock in the middle of the beach and felt you sitting there with me. It was just like the last time we went to the res, except that you were the one sitting on the rock then. We swam all the way across and back, at first head down serious swimming (this was a workout after all) and soon after giving up on the workout and just doggie paddling all the way so we could gossip. Ha! It makes me laugh now as I think about all the things we talked about! How irrelevant they are, and how much do I wish now that I would have told you how much I loved you instead of who was quitting Big Red F and who was hooking up wth who! Oh well, I'm pretty sure you knew how much Hot Carl loved you anyway (after all, I wouldn't let just anybody call me that dirty name! ha!).

My feet are dragging!

While getting ready for the day today, I started crying (again). This time...they were tears from laughter.
October 2000. We both just started our freshmen year in college. You were in Missoula, I was in Colorado. A few months in, we decided it was time you came down for a visit. I remember being so happy to see you! Our agenda: Six Flags! I don't remember anything about our time at six flags except one thing...it trumps all other possible memories. You convinced me (of course) to go on that scary rollar coaster where people's feet hang down with nothing below them. I HATE rollar coasters...but you talked me into it. We got on. I'm scared out of my mind....and you of course are laughing. So the ride begins. Up...up...up. Click click click click. Oh boy. zoooOOOOMMMM! Down we go! You of course....hands in the air, screaming. Me...jaw clenched tight, eyes closed. Then:

You said, "Katie! My feet are dragging my feet are dragging!"

Me, "whatever Taige! Don't tell me that! I'm freaked out."

You, "No! Really...my feet are dragging on the ground!"

The rest of the ride consisted of you yelling about your feet and me trying hard not believe you. We got off the ride...finally!

You said again, "Katie....seriously, my feet were dragging on the ground! Look!"

Then you lifted up your foot...and yes...there it was. The rubber on your shoes had been scrapped down to the fabric of your shoe! I couldn't believe it! Each time the rollar coaster dipped down close to the ground, everyone else's feet were a safe distance from the ground below, but you on the other hand...not at all! Even the rollar coaster designers didin't account for a man of your size! You were a giant indeed. I think you were just too big for this world....your heart...your soul, all too big for this world. Now you are in a place, where you can stretch your legs out...even on a rollar coaster.

Note: The story would later develop in me making you go on that rollar coaster... :)...it always made a better story anyway (I can hear you now, "no,...you made me go on that thing!").

What was your secret?

I have spent more time on the phone with friends and family in the last few days than I have for years. As I talk to each person, we consistenly find ourselves embraced by all the memories we shared with you. The memories go on and on Taige. One common theme keeps coming up though. A theme I never really thought about much before. Some how, some way, you had a way....a way to make anyone do anything! Some of the crazy stuff you convinced me to do! Unbelievable! New...and old friends alike...I bet everyone can relate. What was your secret Taige? How did you do that? My answer...Maybe it was the smile...the laughter....the face you would chase me around with if I didn't agree....or the fact that I knew you'd just pick me up (like a rag doll) and make me do whatever anyway....or maybe....just maybe...it was your desire to make everyone around you feel as alive as you did. I think that was your secret Taige. You had a way of embracing every single moment. You lived every single moment. And simply put, you wanted everyone around you to do the same. And we did Taige. We did around you. Thank you...thank you so much. Love, Katie (little schoombie)

Free

One summer day we hiked up Mt. Sanitas
You told me people could not normally keep up with your large stride.
I pushed a little harder.
On the way down, you all of a sudden began to run
I ran too.
Faster, faster [now you could not keep up with me!]
As I ran, I shook my head from side to side
I felt the fresh air filling my lungs
I smiled.
I felt thrilled.
I felt fulfilled.
I felt free.

Now too
Your soul is
Free.

Cada Día

Cada día alguien me habla de ti
intentando sacar el dolor de mi alma.
Cada día alguien me habla de ti
intentando explicarme que ya no volverás.

Pero de noche, cuando ya no hay luz
cuando todos se van,
tú caminas despacio entre mis sueños y estás.
No eres solo un recuerdo
yo te siento tan cerca que pareces real.
Y después te vas
cuando yo despierte
tu ausencia vendrá.

Cada día alguien me habla de ti
y me dice que el tiempo es una rueda girando.
Cada día yo podría subir
después de tocar fondo si girara también.

Pero de noche cuando ya no hay luz
cuando todos se van,
tú caminas despacio entre mis sueños y estás.
No eres solo un recuerdo
yo te siento tan cerca que pareces real.
Y después te vas
cuando yo despierte
tu ausencia vendrá.

Larger Than Life

“I have a friend who’s a giant,” she said. She wasn’t kidding.
You used to just pick people up—in the middle of the street, at the restaurant, wherever.
You would make every person you were with feel like they were the most important person in the world.
Your energy, exuberance, and charisma flowed out of you like electricity, ready to enliven those around you.
Everything about you was big. Your body, your smile, your heart, your generosity, your sense of adventure, your compassion for others, your loyalty to those you loved, and above all, your spirit.
And your spirit lives on in all of us…for it is
Larger than life.

October Hike

Rise and Shine

Wake up at 6:00, cry. Wake up at 6:30, feel sick. Roll over, pretend its not real, fall back asleep. Wake up again, sick to my stomach, count ten breaths and fall back to rest. Give up, get up, brush my teeth and don’t even notice I’m crying again.