Thursday, November 26, 2009

November 21

How am I ever going to function like a normal person? Everything reminds me of you- people we both know, the sound of someone’s voice, drinks, fabrics, music, walking anywhere in this town that has started to feel suffocating. In every instance I forget its not you, and you wont ever be there again. I’m at work and I think I hear your voice, people mentioning your name. It’s so hard to understand, to really take a hold of the fact that you are gone; sometimes I think it might be easier not to try to see eye to eye with reality. Maybe I could just float around for a few years like a zombie, watching my life as a movie. I would feel less, it would become easier to do normal things.

A tall person enters the room, my heart beats faster, reality comes back and the bad feeling along with it. Someone is wearing a tan, plaid button down shirt but of course its not you. I walk down the alley, past your restaurant, my head turns out of habit to see if your car is there. I stopped at the back door and thought about going in to see who was still there, but I couldn’t do it and kept walking. Into the back entrance of the Downer I went, barely holding on to my composure as I walked in. Everyone was there, and they all can read my face. Asking how I’m doing only makes the light grip on composure lost. I’m standing next to the bar and turn to take in the room; I realize I am sitting in the same spot that the dancing video was taken. Fully unable to understand how you went dancing across the floor two weeks ago and now…   The social environment no longer lends the lighthearted release it did in the past. It only offers a deep emptiness and disconnect. As everyone copes in a different way it separates us, or me at least, tonight. Now its 3:06 am and I’m sitting here in the dark listening to your music and writing. The waves are short and strong, and remind me a little of what I imagine child birth to be like. Coming in waves, sharp and intense, a bit of calm, then sharp again; only this time at the end you realize you are left minus one instead of plus one. 

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