I will sell this house today!

You called me a few weeks ago
You said, “I think I want to get into real estate.”
I said, “I will sell this house today!”
You laughed your big silly laugh
And that was that.

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence

As I sit here, tears clouding my eyes, I let this song envelop me
Thinking of you
You loved this song
It gives me comfort despite the pain I feel without you here.

Music played a role in every facet of your life
To get you going, to relax and comfort you, to get you excited, or if you needed a good cry
And as I listen to this beautiful melody
It brings me peace, and I know you are feeling it, and I know you are with me.

Beautiful Boy...

I miss you and my heart aches from emptiness

Taige

We have gone through so much together. The good and the bad. You were trying so hard to help my life struggle. I know that you can see me and see that I am being successful. I wanted to show you so badly the great things that I could do for the world and for you. You were a soul mate to me and I will never forget the warmth that you showed me in your life. I want to live for you the best that I can. You are such a sensitive wonderful person and that I will love till the day that I join you. I pray that you will be able to help all of us; helping us to learn and be better people. You will be missed but you are not gone. The next part of your life will be great and you will surprise everyone.

I love you

Katie

Gratitude

I’ve known you for almost 6 years. I remember when I first met you. I had just started at the Canyon Café. Although we hadn’t been formally introduced yet, you captivated me immediately and it became a goal of mine to become your friend. That doesn’t happen to me often, it’s rare that I like someone instantly, but not in your case. I just knew you were someone worth investing in.

Soon enough, I achieved my goal as we bonded over the hilarities and frustrations of the restaurant business, our love lives, music, and our mutual love for skiing. You never failed to make me laugh. You were so freaking funny. And you were incredibly smart, which made you even funnier, which made me love you more.

I usually came to work not in a great mood, as working with the general public was often difficult and required patience and a thick skin. You loved it, thrived on it, and your customers loved you in return. You enjoyed giving people a good experience no matter what they challenged you with. Loyal repeat guests often occupied your tables. It was your calling to work with people and restaurants became your outlet to express that.

We both moved to Denver around the same time. I remember how excited you were for life in the city. We lived blocks from each other in Capital Hill. I remember days of visiting each other’s tiny apartments, meeting for coffee, talking about relationships, and life goals. You had so much passion for everything you did and everything that interested you, I envied that.

I recommended you apply at North in Cherry Creek, where I was working. How much fun it would be to work with you again, to breath in your energy and exuberance everyday. But mostly, I needed those hugs (you haven’t really felt better than after you got a hug from Taige.) So large and strong, you would pick me up and squeeze me for minutes. Rejuvenating my soul with your energy. I will miss those hugs soooo much. Years went by and our lives moved in separate directions, you back to Boulder and me out to the suburbs. But we were never out of touch for long. We were friends and I couldn’t be happier than to have you in my life.

I remember the last time I saw you in Boulder at the end of September. I was standing outside of Jax Fish House after finishing dinner. You were out on the town celebrating nothing and everything all at once. You swooped me up for a hug. I was so happy to see you. You were telling me all about how great work was, how good you had become at skiing, you were so devoted to it. I think you had a ski pass to every mountain on the Front Range. We talked about getting together to ski. I told you about my engagement and details about the wedding. You hugged my fiancé with congratulations like you had known him all your life, when I think you had just met once before. But it was genuine; you always acted with complete sincerity. I loved that about you, how quick you were to open your heart to someone new. I walked away from that encounter again feeling rejuvenated, captivated by you, excited about the future and grateful for our friendship.

I don’t know what else to say Taige, I wish I could eloquently describe every memory I have of you in a way to do them justice. I cant. No words can describe the way your friendship made me feel. I felt so damn lucky to have you in my life. I am grateful for every moment we had together. I promise that for however long I am still in this life, I will love deeper, laugh louder, dance crazier, hug harder, and smile more because I knew you. Thank you for giving me that.

Melissa M.

Its all about the love.

I loved getting out of work early enough to make it to Centro before you left. The restaurant was always closed, but I would come in the back door and go into the office, where the door would have been propped open via the deadbolt. Just looking at you sitting in the black swivel chair, hunched over the keyboard and staring into the computer monitor, I could tell how your night had been. If you didn’t turn around when the door opened you had had a long stressful day and were trying your hardest to finish your duties and get out the door asap. On these days when you didn’t turn around I never broke your concentration, just walked up behind you and put my hands on your shoulders. They were so tense, and I would do my best to pull some of that tension out of your muscles with a little neck rub. My small hands were always instantly recognized, and you would lean back in your chair and say, “Ohhh Carl…”

After a minute I would sit and we would face each other and talk about our day. We would talk about boys and what exciting or hurtful things had passed, plans for the week, our families, your dad being sick. I remember right before your birthday talking about your family coming to see you. You felt so lucky to be having your favorite people come such a long way to see you for such a short amount of time.

Two weeks ago, my friend Sam passed away. She and my younger brother Taylor had been very close for many years, even dating through the end of high school and first year or so of college. My sister Bobbie and I jokingly called her our sister in-law, and had a blast laughing about the silliest things with her. Sam was 21, and had been fighting a rare form of cancer for two years. I kept Taige up to date on Sam and her fight. Multiple rounds of chemo and moving to Miami for a five organ transplant were not enough to damper her spirits. Everyone who met her or read her blog (www.1tuffcookie.blogspot.com) was always amazed by her diligence. If Taige had a tough day and was down I would remind him to keep his head up. After all, if Sam was keeping her head up the rest of us had no reason not too.

These moments were never taken lightly by Taige. He completely understood if his perspective was askew and rightfully adjusted to a higher outlook after we would speak of Sam.  The night after she passed I went to work for an intense 12 hour Halloween night shift and came home at 3:30 in the morning. I checked my email, and then Facebook. Taige had also had a long night at work and was still awake. As I crawled into bed exhausted from working and crying my phone rang and I answered it to talk to Taige. By this point it was at least 4 am. He had been on Facebook and saw my status, a link to Sam’s blog, which he followed and learned about the end of her struggle. At first he sounded upset, and then he was sobbing. It would be the last real conversation we would have with each other, and the irony of the subject matter it almost too much.

You told me you had just learned about her passing, and you were SO, SO sorry. That it doesn’t make sense and, “I can’t understand it. You have to know that she loved you so much, and that she knows how much you cared about her, and and it’s so crazy and hard to understand.” All of this said amidst the passionate emotions flooding out of him.
    “It doesn’t make sense and we have to be there for each other to help each other through it.” You were crying SO hard, I was really shocked. I realize now that neither of us knew it might not have been directly about Sam that you were speaking.
     Once you started letting these heavy and perfect words come out I silently cried not wanting to miss anything you said. They were the most comforting words I had heard all day, and felt so completely sincere. I can hear your voice in my head right now like you are saying these words into my ear again right now.
    You said to me, “It is about the love.” You told me that you loved me, and I told you that I loved you also. We talked for a while, maybe twenty minutes. You said over and over how you just didn’t understand it all, but that we HAD to help each other through it, we just had to. That we would get through it, together. Looking back, it just kills me. I am now having the exact same conversation with Beth and Jeff and Peaches and everyone I know and don’t know (via this blog) who loves you.
    So on that note, as Taige said we must, we must help each
other through this and keep a hold of the love we have for him and each other.
Huge, amazing, wonderful love to all.

Crystal

ps- If you need a pick me up, read Sam’s blog entry from June 18, 2009. It will help you appreciate what is going on around you. www.1tuffcookie.blogspot.com

Snow

Shoveling snow this morning brought back some good memories of you. I remember many slow snowy nights at West End when I would shovel snow and then come down to Centro to see how you were doing. It seems like every time, you were out there doing the same thing as me. You always had a huge grin on your face and you couldn’t wait to tell me about your next ski trip, and how great it was that it was snowing. No matter how bored or disappointed I was because it was such a “slow” night, you always made me look at the bright side. You must have been the best boss ever for your overflowing enthusiasm and positive outlook. I know it always rubbed off on me and I’m sure everyone else around you felt the same way. Sometimes it made me jealous that I didn’t get to work with you to experience it more often.

Seeing the tremendous amount of love for you the last couple of days has been amazing. You were so loved in this world it is incredible. I think it must be because you shared so much love with everyone you met. I wish I had spent more time around you because you never failed to put a smile on my face no matter what mood I was in, and you will continue to do so whenever I think about you. My thoughts and prayers go out to all your friends and family.

love

mike dahl

Memories

I remember the very first second I met you. It was Elyse’s birthday. We were upstairs at the Rio, and all of a sudden you walked up to our table, with your big beautiful smile and your warm eyes. I was instantly struck by your presence. As the night progressed, I couldn’t stop looking your way, and soon enough I realized you were looking at me too. Later that night, in the park across the street from my old apartment, we played on the playground, lay in the grass, looked at the stars. It was the beginning of one of the most important, defining periods of my life.

It was a tumultuous road. I was new to it all. You taught me so much and you challenged me daily. I had never been so happy, so fulfilled, so honest with myself and others. Every day was a new adventure. Places I had visited hundreds of times before took on new meanings. I tried so many new foods, wines, and activities with you. I felt free, excited, alive.

Like a river meandering through a valley, your love poured through me. I never wanted to leave.

Remember our first hike on the Fourth of July trail? You asked me if I was scared to hold hands when the plane flew over our heads lest someone may see us. I laughed and squeezed your hand harder.

I remember being inspired by your passion for anthropology. The way you discussed issues you’d explored, classes you’d taken, and professors you’d met simply amazed me. I’d always been more of a logical student, taking classes because I had to or because it made sense to take them. You did everything in your life because you were passionate about it. You loved to learn about other people’s passions; in fact, you thought passions were the keys to one’s soul.

Remember our backpacking trip up to Conundrum Springs? You laughed so hard when I fell into the river while trying to cross on the log. Naturally, you crossed with grace and agility. I made a snarky remark and then quietly pouted while you teased me.

I remember sitting in front of Starbucks, crying together right before I left for DC. My heart hurt, much like it does now. I was beginning to understand the powers of love.

Remember sleeping in front of the fireplace shortly after you got back from Costa Rica? Thank God it wasn’t a real fireplace…you didn’t always have the best of luck with fire! [How many times did we burn pizzas in the oven? You always double, triple checked every dial, and then made me do it. Open close open close the oven door!]

Never have I met someone as beautiful, in every sense of the word, as you. Your smile, your laugh, your spirit, your craziness. I grew tremendously as a result of knowing you. I was a whole new person!

I have so many other memories with you. Painting your apartment (you never stopped blaming me for that green spot on the ceiling even though you knew it was totally your fault), crazy meals with Beth and Katie (deep fried coconut shrimp!), skiing, the moonlight at Walker Ranch the night I got back from Uganda, following you into freezing rivers and lakes, and your neighbor who told us to “SHOOSH” when we were being too loud on your balcony.

Now I sit here, a permanent stomach ache, a permanent heart ache, vacillating between disbelief and emptiness. But there have been many laughs too. Beth, Katie and I laughed so hard the other night about all of your antics and all of the memorable times we shared. Elyse and I laughed about when you took her into nature even though she hated it and she made you carry her home. Beth and I took a walk in the foothills yesterday. It was snowing, like it is right now, and it felt so right to be out there together, in your favorite weather.

There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things you probably already know. I can’t believe I won’t hear your voice again, or see your shining face. Except that I will. And I do now, as I write this. Your spirit will continue to beat within me, much like the beat of the music you loved so passionately.

I love you, Taige, and always will.

Shai

Taige's House

How do you begin to formulate a thought you never imagined or wanted to imagine having to conceive?  I guess for me, I start to write. It is an outlet, a step closer to forming a clear thought or feeling, clear my mind, vent, and now, something to share. I’ve started by asking for help, from Taige.  He is around us all, and I have felt his presence on and off all day.  Figured I might as well put him to work. ☺

When I think of you, Taige, my heart opens and is flooded with an overwhelming sense of comfort and love.  You always had such an astonishing ability to make people feel comfortable, loved, and joyful.  In the rare occasion that you were down, it meant so much to be there for you, with a shoulder to cry on and heartfelt words to soothe you.

Yesterday every time I heard a car drive by, I thought someone was going to stop and come to my front door.  I saw myself opening the door and a familiar face saying to me, “Just kidding! It was all a big joke!” It never happened. The couch called my name in the mean time and I sat there for several hours after using my restless energy to bake batch after batch of cookies.  I sat there and felt numb.  Not having slept the night before, the little reserve I had left was put to basic functions like keeping my eyes open and sitting up. Regardless of my exhaustion I couldn’t put my mind to rest. On and on its gone in waves of emotion resting somewhere between numb and drowning.
 

I went to your house today. Beth was gone, visiting with one of your friends who had come in to town because I’m sure they were feeling the same sense of lost. It was surreal. Like nothing was really the matter, I was just walking in to your house and we were going to get on our bikes and ride away to have some fun… except that my chest felt heavy. I turned the corner and headed to your room, walking past your backpack on the floor right where you had left it and just as Beth had said it was there, haunting her also. I walked into your room and stepped over the dirty jeans and towel you had left on the floor in a hurry. Nothing seemed out of place except for the fact that I was in your room and you were nowhere to be found. Pile of laundry on the other side of your bed, a Centro t-shirt on top of the pile, right next to your favorite tie-dye shirt from Parker. On top of your dresser a framed photograph of your family. Black and white, maybe a few years old, you standing tall above everyone else wrapping them all in a bear hug.
    Your bed lies just as you left it, I can almost see the indent of your 6’8” body in the mattress still. On the floor a pair of shoes, retro Nike high-tops, size 12, red, white, and blue, lie waiting for you to wear them to a party. I passed by the closet and saw the rest of your shoes neatly piled into their cubbies, along with the biggest pair of snowshoes I have ever seen, and ski poles that reach all the way to my chin. At that moment I began to feel overwhelmed and turned in a circle to take in your whole room at once.
    And then, the blue plaid jacket. I can imagine it was your favorite thing to wear, after Parker’s tie-dyed shirt of course, because it allowed you to participate in your favorite activity- skiing. Really you loved anything that allowed you to be outdoors and active, but most especially if it involved white fluffy snowflakes. I don’t doubt that skiing in the snow was your preference and favorite, but Mike Dahl was remembering you shoveling snow out front of Centro, ear to ear cheesy grin, so happy to be out in the snow for any reason at all.
    For a few moments I just looked at your ski jacket hanging there in the closet. I thought about taking it off of the hanger and putting it on, but didn’t want to disturb your bedroom before your family arrived to have their own moment there.  So I took hold of the hanger and pushed it aside a little, running my hand down the sleeve and through the inside trying to take in the soft feeling of it, trying to remember the warm body that should be filling it. Remembering you in your blue-plaid jacket was too much and the sparse sense of control I momentarily felt over my emotions was gone in an instant. My cheeks felt warm and wet with tears and I was crying with a sentiment of overwhelming helplessness and yearning. I walked from the closet at the end of the bed around to the left side of the bed where you had last slept and ran my fingers over the dark blue flannel sheets, letting myself be overwhelmed by what was coming out and over me. Breathe in, and out, stand up, walk to the bathroom. Messy, just as you left it, toothbrush, razor, eye drops, deodorant, all left in a hurry. The purple trucker hat you loved to wear hangs with a plastic lei, next to a few other hats I had never seen you wear and three pairs of sunglasses. You always loved to wear that purple hat.
    In the kitchen I stop to leave a note and some of the cookies I couldn’t stop baking for Beth. It is hard to think of Beth coming home now to a house that will be empty of your bountiful love and energy. I am happy to be there with her to share memories and tears, as you would have done for any of us.

Most of your friends don’t know what to do with themselves. Some are still in shock and have yet to grasp a hold of the gravity of what has passed. Even with shock they gather together and bask in the presence of you through each other. Those of us past the shock feel pain and the impossibility of the fact that there will not be one more hug, one more dance party, or one more long talk over coffee. Still, your love is never ending and there is enough for us all. We will all gather together for an endless journey of grieving you, and be there to help each other find tomorrow.

Much love,
Crystal

(pictures of today's visit to the right by the hit counter)

Big Air at Keystone

Taige and I spent a lot of time together skiing; this is one of my favorite incidents involving Taige and skiing...

In the beginning he was cautious, but after just a short time he was better than the rest of us- and fearless! It blew my mind how ready he was to jump off the edge of a cliff without even worrying one bit! His judgement was usually pretty good, after a margarita however, different story. Anyone remember the HUGE bruise Taige had that went from mid-back to knee and was the gnarliest thing you ever saw? I wasn’t there, but he filled me in on his lack of judgement and agility. After downing a man-sized margarita he decided it would be in his best interest to find the biggest jump possible in the park at Keystone and of course jump off it. In true Taige fashion, not only did he jump off the largest jump but did a backflip off too! Would you believe that he actually landed it?! The only problem was he caught an edge and ate it after the fact. Safe to say that day was the last of his margarita/big air phase!
 

Crystal

greetings...

Hi all,

I have been sitting here all day trying to process what everyone tells me has happened, and have been struggling. I thought this blog might be a good way to share some thoughts with each other, hopefully helping this process of healing and understanding. If you would like to be an author on this blog send your email address to love.for.taige@gmail.com and I will add you to the list (limited to 100 ppl). Once its full you can send things you want posted to the same email and I can just upload them.  I hope everyone is hanging in there and that these stories make you laugh and cry all together.

Much love,
Crystal